An article by Brittany Wong for Huffington Post features 9 real-life confessions explaining what led women to cheat on their husbands.
1. “He stopped saying ‘I love you.’”
“I married the wrong man and made the ‘easier’ choice in life by being with him. It didn’t become clear to me how wrong he was for me until we had a child. I turned to the right man for comfort for many years and hid it because I wanted my family to remain under the same roof. The biggest reason I strayed was the complete lack of attention I was shown. No birthday or Christmas cards, no gifts. He stopped saying ‘I love you.’ We went from having sex once a week before the baby to every couple months after the baby, to eventually once a year. It’s really easy to fall out of love when you feel like your spouse is a roommate you co-parent with.” -Krista R.
2. “I wanted my husband to feel the same pain he’d introduced to me.”
“I cheated on my husband because he cheated on me. That’s the sad and simple truth. After spending six years with a man who couldn’t stop cheating on me I was emotionally exhausted, depleted and lingering at rock bottom. I cheated out of an overwhelming desire to have someone give me back some of the love and attention I’d been giving my husband with nothing in return. I cheated because I was desperate for someone to love me with the same ferocious first-love intensity that I’d given my husband. I cheated with my high school boyfriend because I was angry, hurt and wanted my husband to feel the same pain he’d introduced to me six years ago and had never tried to work on, despite knowing that it was breaking me down. I cheated because I no longer loved myself and hoped that someone, anyone could hand me some self-worth, a little bit of love and help me begin again.” -Lindsay T.
3. “It just happened.”
“I truly believe that most people who have affairs, or even zipless sex, are doing so because they are seeking something that is fundamentally lacking in their relationship. As for me, cheating on my spouse wasn’t a specific, conscious, considered act. I didn’t wake up one day and think, ‘Hey, I think I’d like to have an affair.’ It just happened — which is probably very hard to comprehend if you haven’t actually been in the situation. A professional relationship became a friendship, became a flirtation, became an infatuation, became an affair, became a demise. It’s much like drinking a great bottle of wine with dinner. You don’t set out to get drunk but the taste, combined with the other flavors on the plate, the sounds and smells of the room, the soothing, warm feeling of relaxing into the entire sensory environment, allows you to take a sip, then another, then another, then refill your glass, and then at some point you look around and realize that you have a buzz, but your senses are so ripe that you keep sipping, even though you know you should stop because you’re going to get drunk and be hungover the next day.” -Sara Cornell
4. “It’s easy for harmless friendships to progress into something more when you’re unhappy at home.”
“I think it’s important for people to realize that an affair can be the last thing on your mind but that it’s easy for harmless friendships to progress into something more when you’re unhappy at home. I was with my husband nearly 11 years. I had been primarily supporting us financially and emotionally for seven years and as the sole breadwinner of four. I met a man in one of my continuing education classes and what followed was eight months of conflicted feelings, marriage counseling, ultimatums and anything else I could think of to save our marriage before I gave into an affair. Three months later, I was so exhausted and torn I left my husband even though he had forgiven me for cheating. About a month later, I started exclusively dating the other man I was involved with and asked my husband for a divorce. I still feel terrible about it. The affair wasn’t the reason I left but I wonder if I would have had the strength to realize how unhappy I was without it happening. I still love my husband but I knew he’d never change so I had to walk away.” -Melissa C.
5. “I allowed myself to become infatuated with another man.”
“Cheating on my ex-husband isn’t something I’m proud of and I would never do it again. The question I get asked a lot is why? Why did I cheat? Back then I would have given you a whole list of reasons: there was a communication breakdown, he had vices, he didn’t take care of himself. But in retrospect, the one reason that stands out is how confused I was about how life and relationships work. I thought once my husband changed, everything would be OK. I couldn’t see that my feelings of frustration over our relationship weren’t about his behavior, it was about me: I created the the negative mood through my negative thoughts. Then I allowed myself to become infatuated with another man. Things would have been very different if I had adjusted my way of thinking.” -Marina Pearson
6. “My husband encouraged it.”
“I didn’t have an affair like most people do. There was no sneaking around or lying to my husband. Actually, it was all in plain sight right until the very end. I was best friends with a guy for 17 years. He was the person I confided in when I was sad, when something amazing happened, honestly, anytime anything of note happened. The surprising thing is my husband encouraged it. If I came to my spouse with some big problem, he would tell me to go have lunch with my friend and tell him about it. So I did. At first I thought I was doing what was best for my husband because he worked so much and didn’t need my problems. But after a while, I pulled further away from him. On our five year anniversary I told him he had one year to get his act together and become the man our children and I needed him to be. Ten months later, I was in marriage counseling with my soon-to-be ex-husband, begging for a divorce, sleeping with my best friend and watching my whole world fall apart.” -Corrina S.
7. “I was lonely and unhappy for years.”
“After telling my husband I was lonely and unhappy for years, he continued to travel for months at a time until I finally found someone else. Having that fling forced me to admit I wanted a divorce and to tell him in no uncertain terms that I was done.” -Andrea H.
8. “I wanted someone who would sleep with me. He seemed disinterested.”
“After eight years, it was a relationship that had lost all romantic love. I wanted to travel, he wanted to stay at home. I wanted children, he did not. I wanted someone who would sleep with me, he seemed disinterested. I wanted to take on opportunities and be challenged, he wanted to be comfortable. I went to work in the West Bank for three months, he stayed at home. While I knew I was not happy in my relationship, I thought that maybe that was just how it was going to be. One night while in the West Bank I went out to a bar with friends and across the room I saw the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. We met, we danced, we talked, we swapped phone numbers. It was the beginning of the most intense and wild romantic relationship I have ever been in. When I returned home, I told my ex-husband I wanted to separate but I never told him about the other man, who I continued to see for a year before we ended things. Today I’m engaged to a man who wants to travel, be challenged, have children and sleep with me. While I will always feel terrible that I was unfaithful, it showed me what I wanted and needed and forced me to get out of a relationship that was not right for me.” -Rose M.
9. “Sex had become like showing up for an army physical.”
“My marriage lasted over 10 years. I couldn’t make him happy and he couldn’t make me happy. Sex had become like showing up for an army physical. I just did it and told him it was great. Did I make a mistake in not telling him my desires? Of course, but you have to trust your partner to do that. That was one of the core issues with us. He seemed to have a distrust of women in general that seemed almost pathological. If I took too long running errands I got quizzed on my whereabouts. It felt like I was being accused of an affair. I would joke with my girlfriends that I should be allowed a free pass to cheat since I had been accused so many times. Eventually I just wanted more: more positive communication, more kindness, more desire, just more. So I cheated. I actively looked for a man to fit the bill of what I wanted. I found one and the sex was spectacular. It had been years since I had that kind of desire for someone. It was a foreign feeling. I realized I wasn’t dead inside like I was afraid I had become. That’s when I knew I needed to get a divorce. I finally gathered the courage to get one. There are never good reasons for why people cheat but I learned a while back not to throw stones at people for their decisions because ultimately, you’re only responsible for your life, not theirs.” -Susan M.
Author, blogger, and entrepreneur, Mark Manson, blogged a most interesting interpretation of why people cheat in relationships. We would never have been able to articulate his ideas quite like he had, so we are citing a small portion of this great read as a simplified explanation.
Manson explains the following algorithm:
SELF-GRATIFICATION > INTIMACY = CHEATING
- As humans, we all have a natural desire for self-gratification. Good food. Good sex. Little work. Lots of sleep. Porn and video games and corn flakes.
- As humans, we also all have a natural desire for intimacy and to feel loved by somebody else, to feel as though we are sharing our lives with somebody.
- Unfortunately, these two needs are often contradictory. To achieve that intimacy and love, you have to sacrifice your own self-gratification at times. And to achieve self-gratification, you often have to sacrifice some love and intimacy.
This can be as simple as watching a movie you don’t really like or attending some boring work party you don’t care about. But it can also be deep and complex, like being open about your fears and insecurities to your partner or making a conscious commitment to be monogamous with that person for an indefinite amount of time.
- If a person values self-gratification more than the intimacy they gain from a relationship, then they will stop sacrificing for the relationship and are likely to end up cheating. If a person values the intimacy they gain from a relationship more than self-gratification, then they will willingly sacrifice some of their self-gratification to remain faithful.
- Think of it like a scale. On one side you have self-gratification and on the other you have intimacy. If at any point the self-gratification side outweighs the intimacy side, well, then you get a cheater.
- There are two ways this can happen. The first way is that a person is just shallow and selfish and needs to be gratified constantly. The second reason is that the relationship is failing to provide sufficient intimacy and desire.4
We highly recommend reading the full article here! You’ll thank us later.
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Marcelina Hardy of YourTango.com highlights 3 common mistakes that women make when they suspect their significant other is cheating. And with over 18 years of experience in infidelity investigations, ICU is here to back her up.
1. Reacting to Suspicions:
Suspecting that your significant other is cheating on you comes with a whirlwind of emotions; you’re angry, upset, sad, you feel betrayed and violated. All within minutes, you’re ready to lose your mind and let him have it…which is probably the worst possible thing you can do. Hardy writes, “Your man will naturally defend himself and tell you that you are crazy and in all seriousness, you probably do appear a bit crazed—cheating will do that to you! What this reaction will do is just turn the tables back on you making you look like the crazy, jealous, paranoid woman who thinks her man is up to no good. There’s no solid justification for what you are claiming.” That’s why you should stay away from…
2. Confronting with No Proof:
This is what we’re here for. People come to ICU Investigations because they are suspicious and they need answers. Don’t ever feel guilty for needing to know the truth and protecting yourself. We do the dirty work for you, so when you confront your man with concrete evidence of his cheating, there is no possible way he can deny it and make you feel like you’re crazy.
3. Confronting Your Man’s Side Piece:
Don’t take your anger out on the other woman. Hardy notes that “Many women who find out their man has been cheating will immediately take it out on the woman they have been seeing. Wrong! That woman has committed no wrong. Yes, she knew that your man was taken and that she shouldn’t have been with him, but your man made the decision to enter into a relationship with her knowing full well what he was doing and betraying your trust. The fault still remains with your partner.” It is then your choice with how to proceed with your life and begin healing. The ball is in your court.
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Well…let’s just get right down to it.
1. What percentage of men are unfaithful?
Studies suggest only 21% of men have ever been unfaithful to their spouse or significant other.
2. How often do women cheat?
Only 15% of women acknowledge an affair in a current or previous relationship. (Seems low, but that’s a 40% increase over the past 20 years).
3. What percentage of men would cheat if they knew they’d never get caught?
74% of men say they’d step out on their partners if they knew they’d be able to get away with it.
4. How about women?
68% of women say they’d step out on their partners if they knew they’d be able to get away with it.
5. How many men who cheat are happily married?
56% of husbands who admitted to cheating said that they were happy with their marriages overall.
6. What percentage of cheating wives say their marriage is happy?
34% of wives who admitted to cheating said that they were happy with their marriages overall.
7. How many people admit to cheating just once?
23% of men admitted that being unfaithful was a one-time thing. Only 17% of women who have cheated said the same.
8. How many say they’ve cheated 2 to 5 times?
In a poll of cheaters, 36% of women said it happened between 2 and 5 times compared to 33% of men.
9. What percentage of adults are serial cheaters?
47% of unfaithful women acknowledged at least 6 or more incidents. 44% of unfaithful men admitted to a consistent pattern of cheating, as well.
10. Does income influence cheating rates?
Women who are completely dependent on their husbands financially are 50% less likely to cheat, while men were least likely to stray when their wives earned 75% of their income or less.
11. Does a high IQ make you more likely to cheat?
The average IQ of men who’ve had an affair is 102.4 versus 100.5 for men who haven’t. For women, the difference is 104.6 versus 101.5 for cheaters and non-cheaters.
12. How many women say cheating is wrong?
84% of women agree that cheating is wrong if you’re married.
13. How many men share that sentiment?
Approximately 78% of men say that it’s not okay.
14. How often does infidelity result in divorce?
Even though the divorce rate in the U.S. hovers somewhere around 40 to 50%, only about 15% of marriages break up because of infidelity. Studies show that 50% of divorces are a result of “unreasonable behavior.”
15. How many people consider emotional affairs cheating?
Approximately 60% of adults classify an emotional relationship outside of the marriage as cheating. Only 18% said that it wasn’t the same thing as a physical affair.
16. How often do people cheat with a former sweetheart?
In one study, 32% of women say an encounter with an ex led to an affair. Only 21% of men say they’ve cheated with an ex.
17. How many people say they’d cheat as a form of revenge?
One study found that 14% of women would have a revenge affair while just 9% of men agreed.
18. At what point do most affairs begin?
If you’re recently married, the 2-year mark is when your relationship is most at risk for an affair.
19. How long does the average affair last?
The average affair usually lasts about 6 months.
20. How many people believe business trips lead to cheating?
In one survey, 66% of men and women said they worry about their significant other cheating while on business trips.
21. How many people actually cheat at work?
Research suggests that more than 60% of affairs begin at work.
22. How many affairs start online?
More than 10% of cheaters say they met the person they were cheating with online.
23. What’s the average cost of having an affair?
One survey found that cheaters spend an average of $444 a month to financing their extramarital affairs. However, only 32% of cheaters said their spouses had noticed the added expenditures.
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According to Elizabeth Bernstein of the Wall Street Journal, there are 6 risk categories that you could fall into to make you more capable of committing infidelity.
Note: Unfaithful individuals typically fall into more than one category.
Just being a male makes you more likely to cheat (even though the gender gap has gotten much smaller.
Dr. Kelly Campbell, psychologist and associate professor of psychology and human development at California State University, says that “testosterone is a risk factor.” It’s just more common in men because of their genetic make up.
Bernstein cites a recent study that worked with Ashley Madison to determine that people may be more likely to engage in infidelity in the year before a milestone birthday. For example, men that were 29, 39, 49, or 59 years of age were looking for extramarital affairs. This group was dubbed “9-enders.”
However, not only “9-enders” are at heightened risk of cheating on their significant others.
According to Dr. Campbell, “People in middle age are at lower risk because they have less time and spare energy. Between about age 35 and age 50, people tend to be focused on careers and child-rearing. You have a greater chance of cheating when you’re younger or older.”
The amount of opportunity, or the environment you put yourself in, could make you more likely to cheat. Are you around other attractive people that would make suitable, alternative partners, living in a city, work long hours and closely with others, and travel frequently? All of these factors could put you at risk for an affair.
Experts say that the popular phrase, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always necessarily true. We must take into consideration the reasons why someone cheated in the first place. According to Dr. Campbell, “If the reasons for cheating are more about the individual than the relationship, the person is at risk for cheating again. If the relationship was more to blame, the risk of repeating isn’t as great.”
5. Relationship Dissatisfaction
If you are dissatisfied in your relationship, this is a major risk factor for cheating.
Bernstein says, “Infidelity and relationship dissatisfaction work both ways: You may cheat because you are unhappy in the relationship, but cheating will make you unhappier.”
Some good news, though! People who are satisfied in their marriage are unlikely to cheat!
We also must take into consideration sexual satisfaction when factoring relationship satisfaction. In a survey of 60,000 people, researchers asked them to rate how closely they agreed with this sentence: “I am satisfied with my relationship with my partner.” About 40% of those who strongly disagreed had engaged in infidelity, compared with just 10% of those who strongly agreed. Researchers got similar results when asking participants how strongly they agreed with this statement: “I am satisfied with my sexual life with my partner.”
Bernstein says, “Two of the so-called Big Five personality traits show consistent links to cheating, research shows.” Purdue’s Dr. Lehmiller says that people who score low on “agreeableness” (being kind and caring about other people’s feelings) and “conscientiousness” (being dependable and having self-discipline) are more likely to cheat.
Other traits linked to a greater infidelity risk include narcissism (having an overly inflated opinion of oneself), sensation-seeking (a tendency to look for thrilling and risky activities), and commitment-phobes.
Do you feel your significant other falls into these categories? Suspicious? Get answers TODAY!
Call 800-524-9755 for your free consultation.