Fine Line: Flirting to Cheating?
According to Therese J. Borchard, Associate editor for PsychCentral.com, social media has created a whole new monster the world of infidelity, and what a significant monster it is. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says “cyber cheating is especially appealing to women because they can get their emotional needs met behind a computer in the comfort of their home,” and research shows that these relationships are increasingly being taken to a physical level.
When does harmless play cross the fine line from flirting to cheating?
1. When your partner is hiding it
If your partner is deleting texts, emails, call logs, etc., they’re basically already over that fine line. If there’s nothing to hide, then why delete the information in the first place? If your partner truly felt that the conversation was acceptable and appropriate, there would no reason to erase the evidence.
2. When it includes sexual innuendos
Discussing any sort of sexual interaction with someone other than your partner is a huge red flag. That sort of intimacy should only be shared within the confines of your relationship, and Borchard says “if the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, watch out. If it feels like foreplay in anyway, that’s not good.”
3. Frequency
Content of the conversation is key, but the frequency of the interaction is also important. If you notice your partner dedicating more time to their text messages, Facebook, cell phones or another person than they are with you, that is extreme. Pay attention to the amount of interaction.
4. Rationalization
When a partner needs to justify the relationship with someone else by incessantly repeating “He/She is just a friend,” there’s more. No one has to “justify” a normal friendship.
5. Fulfillment
If your partner’s emotions and intimacy are not fulfilled at home, they could be compensating elsewhere. People often rationalize by saying “no one understands me like he/she does.” Shouldn’t the person that understands you most be your significant other?
6. Your partner talks about you, to them
We couldn’t explain this any better, so according to Borchard, “It’s disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a flip attitude. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?”
7. Removed from family life
If your partner is spending a significant amount of time away from their daily activities, family life (if applicable), or things they used to enjoy are now placed on the back burner because he/she too busy chatting online or on the phone, this should be a giant indicator that something is wrong.
8. People are talking…
Pay attention to good friends if they voice concern. Sure, rumors can easily be started and circulated, but if the concern of someone you truly trust has been brought to your attention, listen. They want what’s best for you.
9. Obvious lack in self-esteem
The ultimate ego boost is another person telling you that you’re attractive, funny, so on and so forth. If your partner needs an ego boost, they may seek it somewhere outside of the home. “There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home,” says Borchard.
If you feel your partner may be engaging in this behavior, don’t hesitate to learn the truth. Contact ICU Investigations today for your free consultation. Every investigation is unique and requires specialpreparation and attention to detail. The investigation is then prepped, planned and implemented by a specialist to meet your specific needs and obtain your desired results. Suspicious? Get Answers.
Public Political Figure Used in Ashley Madison Ad
According to ABCnews.com, a new billboard for Ashley Madison, a dating site for people looking to have an affair, in Columbia, South Carolina featured an image of their former governor, Mark Sanford.
Sandford paid a $70,000 ethics fine in South Carolina after headlines revealed a romp in Buenos Aires with his mistress, later divorcing his wife and asking the mistress for her hand in marriage.
The advertisement showed its face last Tuesday, and stretches across two billboards, the top reading “Next time use…” with a picture of a younger Mark Sanford, known as an unfaithful husband, with the bottom reading, “AshleyMadison.com to find your ‘running mate.’”
Not sure if this is a genius idea by the Ashley Madison advertising team, who have used political figures for ads previously, or extremely bad timing on behalf of Sanford, “who is attempting to revive his political career with a bid for South Carolina’s vacant 1st Congressional District seat,” according to Kevin Dolak of ABC News. The election will take place tomorrow, May 7th, 2013.
“We are trying to get people to distinguish between capability, and what goes on in bedroom,” said Noel Biderman, Ashley Madison CEO, to ABCNews.com. “There are few voices speaking on behalf of those who are unfaithful. Once we found out [Sanford] was back in business, that’s the story we want to attach ourselves to. We believe careers shouldn’t be lost because you choose not to sustain monogamy.”
Biderman views this as a successful advertising campaign, claiming “I want him to win very badly. If I could find a way to help him accomplish that … It would be a testament for people to evaluate people on their skill set. If you took the unfaithful out of the equation, we would have very unsuccessful society.” We’re sure Sanford disagrees, as his office did not respond for comment.
Regrets Straight from the Mouths of Cheating Exes
Huffington Post Divorce posts nine anonymous regrets straight from the mouths of cheating exes on www.secretregrets.com and Secret Regrets book series:
1. “I regret looking at that email sent to you by another women that seemed like a sign that you were cheating, or even just exploring. I should have known better since you were in Iraq, fighting for our country. I regret going out that night with the thoughts of that email in my head and meeting him. I thought I knew it all back then, and with the conception of my daughter, I knew our marriage was over. Although I will never regret her, I regret that she was not a part of you and me. God only knows how much I truly loved you back then and continue to even today. Since we divorced, you remarried, divorced again and live happily. How I wish I could rewind time or even just have a second chance. I can only continue to be happy for you from a distance, and wish that maybe one day our young love will return and we can grow old together. I will love you always.”
-Female, age 23
2. “I honestly don’t regret cheating on you. But I regret how I did it. I regret rubbing it in your face and making it public at work. I regret disrespecting you the way I did and humiliating you with my brazen acts. I don’t regret marrying you and I don’t regret divorcing you. But I regret treating you like a dumbass who wouldn’t know what I was doing.”
-Anonymous
3. “I regret being with other women during my marriage to get even when my wife cheated on me. I never once thought of straying until I was cheated on. I was devastated. I had no one to talk to when it happened. I regret taking her back. Each time for the sake of our family. I thought being with another woman would make the hurt better of being cheated on, but it didn’t. It made me feel worse. I never told her or anyone else for that matter. I regret letting myself stoop down to that level. We are divorced now. I know that I won’t stray again, but I regret that I ever went down that road.”
-Male, age 37
4. “I wish I hadn’t left my husband for my co-worker. I left a sure thing. Nothing in this world is guaranteed, but my husband truly loved me and still loves me a year after I forced him to move out. I don’t know how he tolerates me, but my husband is still my best friend. Now I’m stuck with another man who tries to make me feel small and ugly. He wants to bring another woman into our relationship. I feel compelled to stay because I have nothing else, and the relationship with my husband would NEVER be the same. I wish I could go back to before I lost both my career-building job and my stable, normal marriage to a good, kind man because of my affair. How did I ever allow myself to get into this situation?”
-Female, age 34
5. “I regret divorcing my children’s father. He believes that I cheated on him while we were married. I did not have a sexual relationship with anyone while we were married, but I did have an emotional one with a man that cared about me. I went through mid-life crisis and wanted to have some fun that I wasn’t having being married to him. I will always regret the divorce because I will always love him and I hated what it did to our children.”
-Anonymous
6. “I regret meeting a cruel, vindictive, disgusting man 3 years ago. All he had to do was end our sexual fling. He didn’t have to rat me out to my husband. He was so stupid to think I wouldn’t know it was him. I also regret cheating on my husband but I didn’t need some low life to play judge and jury when he knew I was married and he was no less wrong than I was. I did get my revenge by telling his girlfriend.”
-Anonymous
7. “I don’t regret cheating on you, it was my escape from your abuse. I regret you bad mouthing me to my entire family. I regret letting you make me think I was the cause of the divorce. I regret that you turned my only childhood friends against me. I regret that you manipulated us into having a child, and blaming it on the birth control when in fact you didn’t take it. You said nobody would ever want to love me. But I found someone. She is more beautiful than you. She loves me. I guess there are a lot of things I regret. But not her. She loves me for me. So screw off, my Satanic ex-wife. I REGRET YOU!”
-Anonymous
8. “I regret cheating on you with women who didn’t matter to me. I regret thinking I was in love with the last one, the one that made you throw me out. I didn’t really love her, I just thought I wanted something different. Well, turns out I had what I wanted all along and now it’s gone. I’ve hurt you and the kids more than anyone deserves to be hurt and I will regret that to the day I die. You loved me, truly loved me, and when you finally had enough you seemed to hate me, but I see now that it was just pain. I can’t believe how much I hurt you and continued to hurt you while I chased that young girl. I will regret it always and I hope one day you find it in your heart to forgive me.”
-Anonymous
9. “I regret having an affair with my ex girlfriend. Initially, I kept in touch with you because your son had died and your mother was also dying of cancer. It was about being a sounding board for you, but soon old feelings surfaced. I’ve been having trouble being intimate with my wife now and I never got you completely out of my head. You acknowledged you weren’t forced, but I still blame myself for not having a better sense of boundaries. Now, I am soul searching to find out why I did it and (hopefully) be able to repair the damage I’ve inflicted on my crumbling marriage.”
-Male, age 39
If you suspect your spouse is cheating, put your trust in ICU Investigations. We are here to help you get the proof you need.
Call 800-524-9755 for your free consultation.
12 Ways to Identify Emotional Infidelity
Emotional cheating is becoming a frequent trend in the world of infidelity, and Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, says that studies show that emotional affairs can be just as damaging and 80% of these relationships lead to a sexual affair.
Take a look below at 12 ways to identify emotional infidelity:
1. Your partner 
tries to justify a relationship with someone else by constantly reassuring you that “we’re just friends.”
2. Your partner is confiding and sharing intimate issues with someone else.
3. Your partner is venting about your relationship or marriage to this person, which opens up the door for them to make up for the love and care that your partner claims to lack.
4. Your partner is mentally (possibly verbally) comparing you to this “friend,” which points out negative traits you possess, and highlights positive traits they crave in someone else
5. Your partner is daydreaming about this person. You don’t daydream about your friends, do you?
6. Your partner thinks this other person understands them like no one else does, when that level of emotional intimacy should be between only you and your significant other.
7. Your partner is withdrawing and removing themselves from normal activities with you, the family, work, etc. Your partner would rather be spending their time talking to the person that understands him/ her, and it’s starting to become more obvious.
8. Your partner has become more secretive, such as leaving the room to make or take phone calls, deleting texts, call logs, messages, emails, etc.
9. Your partner tries to justify their strange behavior and manipulate you to think that their behavior is normal and the problem is you.
10. At this point, your partner may be fantasizing about sexual relationship with the person. Once they move on to talking about it, it is clear that your partner is on the path to sexual infidelity.
11. Your partner may start buying intimate gifts for the other person, as if they are thinking about them when they are out shopping instead of you
12. You partner is planning to spend time alone with this other person, which will most likely take this from an emotional relationship to a sexual relationship.
Contact ICU Investigations today to begin your investigation. You deserve to know the truth. Suspicious? Get Answers.
Take a Hard Look at Your Partner’s Associations…
Humans are naturally social animals. So when someone inside your inner-circle breaks a couple rules, you may think it’s “not that bad” and follow suit. According to Scott Haltzman, M.D. in “Surviving Infidelity” on Psychologytoday.com, this social deviance can apply to the likelihood that your partner will cheat if they are surrounded by cheaters.
Haltzman states, “When one person bends social conventions, it sends a message to others around to do the same thing. It’s not quite ‘mob behavior,’ but it is one way that an individual gauges the difference between right and wrong.”
Steven M. Ortiz, assistant professor of sociology at Oregon State University, has tested this phenomenon with professional athletes, which seem to have a higher “tendency” to cheat with more time spent away from home, “groupies,” and the influence of other athletes or teammates around them.
This phenomenon applies to the general population, not just athletes. According to Ortiz, “poor social modeling can happen anywhere, and to anyone. It can take place at night clubs, fitness centers or business conferences.” Essentially, if your friends, coworkers, or other people that closely surround you are taking the time to show interest in extramarital affairs, you are more likely to feel this behavior is acceptable and follow suit, because if everyone else is doing it, it must be ok.
Are the people closest to your significant other straying? Take a hard look at your partner’s closest associations, as it may be a hard look into the behavior of your partner, as well. Contact ICU Investigations to begin an investigation today. Every investigation is unique and requires special preparation and attention to detail. We offer a free consultation to discuss your situation. The investigation is then prepped, planned and implemented by a specialist to meet your specific needs and obtain your desired results. Suspicious? Get Answers.
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