CHILDREN ARE DISILLUSIONED
For better or worse children look to adults to help make sense of the world they live in. Unfortunately, from the child’s vantagepoint much of what they are taught defies understanding. It is clear to the youngest children that what adults say is appropriate behavior bears little resemblance to what adults actually do. Children are keen observers. They see famous men who lie and still hold high office, adults who cheat and yet avoid being caught, and adults who kill in the name of religion. They are all too aware of adults who create problems and neglect to solve them, and adults who abuse themselves, or others, but who are nevertheless heralded as heroes or superstars. In this hypocritical social environment it is not surprising that those children who not only experience questionable adult behavior at a distance, but also close-up in their own families, are the children who are most at risk for growing up feeling alienated, angry and distrustful of the adult world.

WHO TO BLAME? – PARENTS?

There are in excess of fifteen million children in the US who have experienced first hand the dissolution of their family by the process of divorce. Divorce unfortunately brings out the worst in people and parenting skills seldom improve. Even when parents are able to see beyond their own emotional, physical and economic chaos they make mistakes that will impact the relationship with their children for years to come. In their attempts to reassure their children parents lie and obfuscate. In their attempts to look good in their children’s eyes they resort to buying their love, or demeaning the other parent. In their anxiety to spend enough time with their children they curtail the opportunities for them to form meaningful new relationships. In their need to move on with their own lives they may leave behind their children’s.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.  We can help!!!!!

Article Source: http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/id18.html

During the process of divorce children suffer multiple losses. Not only do they lose the nuclear family we hold up to them as the ideal, but each loses the parents they knew, as both parents change to accommodate their new life situation. Some children are forced to suffer not only changing relationships with their parents, but abandonment-a loss greater than bereavement, as it carries with it the hope of reconciliation and the fear of not being worthy-enough for that reconciliation to happen. Some lose their childhood and become burdened with the physical and economic responsibilities of helping support a single parent. Some lose their peers, as they become the “buddy,” or the “rock” on which their parents’ fragile egos rest. Many children lose their self-esteem as they struggle with their belief they were at fault and their consequent obligation to put everything right again. Their schemes, based on a false premise, seldom succeed, adding to their sense of failure.

OR SCHOOLS?
For children the most painful part of divorce is the difficulty it creates in keeping a close relationship with both parents. They have to contend with both the obvious logistic hassles and the complex emotional issues divorce creates. Both are made more daunting by the ways in which society and its agents create roadblocks to those ongoing relationships. Take schools for example. Most schools are not set up to communicate effectively with two parents living at different addresses. School notices, calendars, newspapers and report cards are sent to one parent with little likelihood of the information reaching the other. Conferences are set with one parent unless the other insists on two. That leaves one parent with the distinct message that they are of little importance in the child’s life now they live elsewhere. It also leaves the child with one parent who has little appreciation of what is happening at school and often even less of what is happening at home.

OR DOCTORS?
The medical profession fares no better. Most pediatric offices, although open to fathers, are seldom places that fathers feel welcome. Even when living in the family home they are often unable to answer the health and development questions they are asked and once living apart usually have minimal knowledge of their children’s bowel habits or ear infections. If the office staff have heard about the family problems only through the mother, most fathers get the distinct impression they are the enemy. Meanwhile the child sees the doctor’s office as yet another place where he is not on neutral territory when it comes to defending his need for his father’s attention.

OR THERAPISTS?
Mental health professionals miss golden opportunities to connect with children of divorce before there is a behavioral or emotional problem that can’t be ignored. Waiting for the child to exhibit inappropriate aggression, or falling grades, or poor peer relationships, depression, or substance abuse is to wait for behaviors which are hard to treat, costly to society and destructive to the individual. Most children in the first years of divorce are under the age of eight, confused, embarrassed, isolated and looking for ways to feel normal. Supportive adults who understand the issues involved for children and who will act as mentors and role models while the disorganized parents get their act together, are invaluable.

OR LAWYERS?
Perhaps the segment of society that creates the most chaos in children’s lives are the attorneys and the courts. The adversarial system they embody creates and sustains an atmosphere of unrelenting hostility between divorcing parents which decreases the likelihood that they will ever be able to cooperate when it comes to looking after the best interests of their children. In the rhetoric about fairness to men and fairness to women the issue of fairness to children seldom surfaces. When it comes to visitation agreements the cry from children is always “When are they going to listen to what would work for me?” It should be, but is not, normal practice to have a one year trial period during which parents could try out various schedules of visitation free from the fear that if they relinquish time with their kids that decision will be encoded in the final agreement. Such a simple procedure would avoid many unworkable visitation agreements and support families as they struggle to adapt to their new and rapidly evolving life circumstances. Schedules that seldom work but are currently “standard” include those with multiple short visits, those with unrealistic pick up and drop off time, those that insist on handovers being done at the family “home” instead of school or neutral territory, and those that do not build in the need to modify as the children get older. Impractical schedules cause heartache, anger, resentment and parental hostility-none of which is in the child’s best interest.

OR US ALL?
Finally all us, whether we meet with parents and children professionally or socially, need to be aware of the ways in which children could benefit from our help and support. We all avoid the subject of divorce, if we can, because like cancer and death we are scared to face the pain head on and neither know what to do or say. But the children from these families in flux can help us. They are crying out for us to just listen to them. If we can do that without making moral judgements on the inadequacy of either of their parents children will feel valued and worthy at a time in their lives when they doubt this the most. We cannot stand by and claim divorce is a private family matter. Children are condemned to stand in the midst of the complex adult emotional tangle that creates a divorce, and painful as it may be, those who care about children must stand with them. Teachers, coaches, neighborhood friends, doctors, nurses, psychologists, lawyers and judges, cannot hide behind the limitations placed on them by their professional roles. We are all just one degree of separation from divorce in this society. We need to be our children’s advocates rather than innocent bystanders. Each of us in our professional and non-professional roles has an opportunity and a responsibility to speak up for these children and offer them our support. To do this effectively we must be prepared to listen to what they are telling us and respect their point of view. All of us need to be prepared to take the risk of shedding the “shoulds” and “oughts” of our own distorted adult-centered vision and, for once, try looking at divorce through the eyes of a child.

Tessina, who has written a book on the topic, says if you’re not careful, lying to your partner about money-known as FINANCIAL INFIDELITY-can end up making your marriage miserable. And in today’s tumultuous economic times, losing your trust in your partner’s ability to handle money can be an even tougher pill to swallow.

Unfortunately, trust is not something that all married couples have when it comes to their money. According to a 2007 survey by online payment company, PayPal, 82 percent of those who were interviewed said they lied to their spouses about shopping purchases. A majority of those surveyed said their spouse was using money to control their relationship.

A big issue for marriages, according to certified divorce financial planner Cynthia Anderson Thompson, MBA is when spouses have varied money management styles-saver, hoarder, spendthrift, etc. “How couples handle finances while they’re married usually reflects attitudes and habits they formed long ago, observing their own families, ” Thompson said. “The problem is bad enough when their styles don’t match. Then proactive financial planning, budgeting, discussion, counseling and self awareness often can help if the spending is just about spending, and the partners are open to honest discussion, compromise, etc”.

Paskal and Hyman advice that couples to make financial decisions as a team: “In all situations, and especially with disproportionate earnings between partners, steps should be taken so that both partners have equal knowledge and authority of their system for spending and saving. It is important to have a discussion identifying the “Values” each person attaches to their finances and how they can work together to achieve those goals. Making financial decisions as a team from the beginning ensures that both partners have equal knowledge. This increases the level of trust between them and provides a system of checks and balances”.

When this doesn’t happen, couples usually end up with more than financial problems they usually end up contemplating divorce, Thompson said. That’s because they’ve discovered but not discussed the fact that one of them is an excessive spender and the other then becomes a secret saver in response. “When that mismatch of styles is not discussed, respected, analyzed, acknowledged, when it’s discounted, belittled or ignored, when the spending spouse has no ability or real intention of changing her or his actions to help meet the financial/emotional needs of the other, whether it be for security, investment or savings then you have a classic standoff. His need to spend, invest, provide, as he alone sees fit, versus her needs for security, investment, savings, “Thompson Said.

A married person who habitually spending more then he makes and runs up debt or borrows from future earnings, retirement, whether it’s hidden or not and knows that this is contrary to his spouse’s wishes, is being unfaithful to the health of the marriage relationship. He is demostracting a lack of respect, reciprocity, prudence, honesty, especially if he knows that the style of money management is distressing to his spouse. That’s why he may hide spending or he may do it without hiding, but saying I’m the boss tough about your feelings on the subject either way it’s a kind of financial infidelity”. Thompson said.

According to a 2005 HarrisInteractive poll of almost 1,800 people, abut one in three adults had lied to their significant others about how much money they spent on themselves or their children. About one in four adults called this kind of infidelity worse than a sexual kind.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

Article Source: www.womansday.com

The most frequent signs of Internet Infidelity include excessive time online especially when you are not around, Instant Messengers, email accounts that you do not have access to, closing or shutting down the computer when you approach, positioning the computer so that no one can easily view the monitor. The history and temporary Internet files are deleted after each use. Large amounts of time spent in chat rooms and instant messengers.

The most significant sign you can have is a GUT feeling about what your spouse is doing online. You can take an average person who is committed to his or her family and find them readily sucked into the allure of the Internet. It is a powerful and hypnotic escape from the reality of bill paying and responsibilities.

If you are experiencing the gut feeling about  your spouse or mate, the most important thing you can do at this time is to keep your suspicions to yourself. Do not say anything to them to alert them of your suspicion. This will only cause them to become more secretive about what it is they do online or in real life.

The bottom line of checking into your spouse’s activities is that you may find the one thing you thought you could never survive infidelity and pornography. You have to be prepared to deal with what you find emotionally or you will tip your hand before you have all the information ou need to confront your spouse.

Start a journal or log of events including dates and times. When someone becomes addicted or compulsive about a behavior, they tend to lie extensively to cover up their shame. They may try to convince you that you are crazy or you do not know what you are talking about.

The difference between knowing or not knowing may save your family or your life. Pornography addiction has been proven to cause people to engage in high risk activities that may expose them to diseases such as AIDS.

Cheating on the Internet implies getting in contact with another person or persons through different methods. The initial contact will be usually made by chat or email, which immediately will evolve into a chat conversation. Once in communication through one of the hundreds of chat software programs available any kind of information can be exchanged between the tow persons like text, images, sounds and even live video.

The places where people can meet on the Internet are thousands and they can be classified into the following categories:

Chat rooms, friend networks, direct contact through chat profiles, sites to match couples.

When people start getting acquainted with the other people through those chat conversations they will start to share their problems, likes and dislikes, getting an enormous amount of sympathy from the other person. This person is the ideal receptor letting us to say whatever we want without questioning it and usually agrees with our point of view. That sympathy will turn into affection afterwards and if the relationship for sometime, sooner or later one of the persons will ask the other to meet somewhere to know each other.

It is important to understand that not everyone who chats or even meets in real life are cheaters. The Internet is a great resource and we all are responsible on how we use it.

There are several ways to catch her if your spouse is having a cyber-affair. he most sure-fire way is to directly monitor their computer.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

 Article Source: http://www.topicnow.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=C_Caldwell

You have just realized your spouse other has been unfaithful and cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks.

You have hope that your relationship can survive your spouse cheating on you, however you feel ill to your stomach whenever you think about the affair. Here are some tips to get beyond the hurt, learn how to forgive and save your marriage.

Don’t make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just     because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised.

Feelings are neither wrong or right, accept that your feelings, of uncertainty, shock, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

Take care of yourself, you may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or you may binge eat.

Balance is the key to getting through this. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, stay on a schedule, sleep your regular hours, exercise each day and try to have some fun.

It’s okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies/TV shows. Spend time with people who make you smile and laugh. Remember life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

Tears are healthy too, if you cant cry naturally put on some sad music or watch a sad movie.

Begin a journal, start writing all your thoughts down about your spouse’s unfaithfulness.

Ask all the questions you want. Talk to your spouse about the infidelity, ask questions.

Seek counseling, don’t go through this alone.

Take it one day at a time, don’t rush,

If children are involved they need to know you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through trauma, be honest, but don’t weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you.

Try not to get in the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity, it’s a waist of energy.

Get practical, start looking at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you decide to end your marriage make sure you have thought out where you will live, do you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc…

There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. You may never truly know why it happened.

Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier, such as was it a one night stand or an affair?, A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation.

Remember your marriage has changed, it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family. Family members can often hold grudges.

Willingness to forgive, this takes time, but if you and your spouse want your marriage to work, it can it just takes time.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog please or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

What is domestic surveillance?

Domestic surveillance is the method used to discover if spouses are cheating on each other. It can involve husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. Also referred to as “tailing someone” it is the technique of putting an investigator out in the field that follows the suspected cheater to document their activities without their knowledge. This is accomplished by recording their activities on videotape.

I feel embarrassed about even talking to someone about this.

We get calls every day from people in relationships who suspect their spouse or significant others of cheating. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. What you are seeking is peace of mind about something you are not sure of. It is natural to seek to determine if your suspicions are real or imagined. We invest a tremendous part of ourselves in relationships. It is natural to want to determine the strength and integrity of that relationship.

What if I am wrong?

If there is no evidence the subject is cheating, you will have gained peace of mind about your relationship. Since our investigations are 100% confidential, you will not have risked sacrificing the relationship if you are wrong.

Is domestic surveillance legal?

Surveillance is the process of documenting what is going on in the world of an individual. No laws are broken. It is 100% legal.

I have never hired a private investigator, how do I start?

First you need to be sure you retain the services of a reputable, honest licensed detective agency. Make sure they are well established with a track record. Check to be sure they are fully licensed and insured. Do they have actual offices or is it someone working out their home? Do they answer the phone with a live person or do you get voice mail or a cell phone in the field? Check with the Better Business Bureau to be sure there are no complaints about the company. Last of all do your own “gut check” about the agency you are talking to. Do they make you feel at ease? Are they using pressure tactics and hard sell techniques?

What are the fees charged for domestic surveillance?

Surveillance is billed on an hourly basis plus a mileage charge. Before the project is started, a strategy is established depending on the circumstances and your needs. Once this plan is in place a budget can be established. Investigation services are payable in advance of the work being conducted. Payment can be made by credit card (over the phone if you wish), or by cash, check or money order.

How is the surveillance plan established?

You will need to let the investigator know at which times you think the suspected activity is taking place. Will we need to follow the person from home or from work? Does the person have a fixed schedule? Do you know anything about the suspected other party. All these questions and more go into creating an effective surveillance strategy.

What will I need to tell the investigator?

The following are some of the things that help us get the investigation started. You may not have all the information, however the more you have the better. The investigator will need a photograph of the person being investigated. If the subject is being followed from home, it can also helpful to have photographs of other members of the household. We will need a complete description of the subject, weight, height, hair color, etc. If you think you know the other party they are cheating with, give us whatever information you know about them.

We will need to know the make, model and color of the subject’s vehicle, with license plate if possible. If we are following them from work, we will need to know the type of parking and where they park their vehicle.

We will also need to know the driving habits of the subject and the addresses of places you think they may visit.

How many agents are used on a domestic surveillance case?

The number of agents used depends on a number of factors. Basic surveillance on an individual being followed from home or an uncomplicated work situation can be conducted by one agent. More complicated scenarios, such as following someone from a high-rise office building, or airport or hotel require an additional agent. Other factors in which we may recommend a second agent include fast and aggressive drivers and extra alert drivers who always watch the rear view mirror. Of course an additional agent increases the cost of a surveillance, and this factor is also taken into consideration in arriving at your budget.

How will you contact me without tipping off my spouse?

First we will ask if the phone number you give is secure. Saying it is secure means that only you or someone you trust answers the phone and that we can safely leave a voice mail message if no one answers. If the number is not secure, we will discuss other strategies. When we contact you the first thing we will say is “is this a good time to talk”. If the subject or someone else is present and you can’t talk, you can say “no” or you can say “you have the wrong number” or anything else. We will hang up and you can call us back when it is safe.

What do I do once the surveillance is set up?

Once the surveillance plan is in place it is important that you do not do anything to tip off the subject to the investigation. Do not change your habits and do not ask too many questions about their activities.

How do you follow someone?

The techniques of tailing someone are an acquired skill. When following someone we are constantly weighing two factors against each other. First we want to stay close enough to make sure we do not loose the subject at a traffic light or in heavy traffic. However we are constantly balancing this against staying so close that we run the risk of being observed by the subject. The art of balancing these two factors in a variety of situations can executed well only by having an experienced investigator working the case. In some cases a second agent is preferable or required, which allows us to keep safer distances while not minimizing the chance of loosing the subject.

Will the suspected cheater find out that they are being watched?

Our surveillance investigations are 100% confidential. We do everything necessary to insure the covert nature of the investigation. If we ever perceive that the security of the investigation is threatened, we pull back and with your input reconsider the tactics being deployed.

What evidence will I receive at the conclusion?

The evidence collected in domestic surveillance consists of the videotape of the activities and a surveillance report, which details all the activity in writing. Both are submitted to you, or if you wish we can maintain them for you.

What sets ICU Investigation apart from other detective agencies?

At ICU Investigation we deliver quality investigation. Every organization is only as good as their staff. At ICU Investigations we have seasoned professionals in the field working for you. Several of our agents are ex-law enforcement agents and ex-policemen.

How do you go about getting started? Call ICU Investigation for a free consultation concerning your specific situation. They work with you to devise the best strategy for success. The toll free line for your Free Discreet Confidential Consultation is (800) 524-9755.

A cheating spouse or significant other will tend to exhibit some of the signs of infidelity listed below. If you are suspicious of a loved one, go through our signs of infidelity checklist. Does your mate show any signs of unavailability at work, increased time away from home or unusual cell phone usage, or other signs of infidelity If more than a few of the indicators below are present, the next step is to conduct surveillance to confirm your suspicions. ICU Investigations will deliver a high quality investigation. By contacting us, you will be able to obtain piece of mind.

Domestic – At Home

• Sudden increase in time away from home
• Decreased sexual interest
• Subject is often distracted and day dreaming
• Subject is often unavailable at work
• Subject attends more work functions alone
• Cell phone calls are not returned in timely fashion
• Subject leaves house or goes to other rooms to talk on the telephone
• Subject uses computer alone and secretly
• Subject asks about your schedule more often than usual
• Mileage on car is high when only short distance errands are run
• Clothes smell of perfume, massage oil residue and sex
• Clothes contain makeup or lipstick smudges
• Subject gets his laundry done independently
• Viagra usage increases

Records

• Credit card bills contain unusual gifts, travel, restaurant and “unspecified” charges
• Gas credit cards contain uncommon locations of gas stations
• Unexplained payments on bank statements
• Subject has more cash on hand without accountability
• Cell phone bills contain calls with long duration
• Home phone and calling card records contain calls with long duration
• Business phone records contain unusual calls
• Subject has unexplained receipts or personal effects in wallet

Technical

• Subject has suspicious phone voice-mail messages
• Subject has suspicious cell phone numbers stored or dialed
• Subject has suspicious pager messages
• Unknown pager numbers stored in subject’s memory
• Internet web browser history list (this is a record of web sites visited) contains unusual sites
• Frequent visits to Internet free e-mail accounts
• Uncommon e-mail messages
• Uncommon deleted e-mail messages

How do you go about getting started? Call ICU Investigation for a free consultation concerning your specific situation. They work with you to devise the best strategy for success. The toll free line for your Free Discreet Confidential Consultation is (800) 524-9755.

First one has to be aware of the signs of infidelity and determine which ones apply to your situation. (Check out our page on The 30 Signs of infidelity) Second, you need to analyze the opportunities for being unfaithful. Third, you need to consult with an experienced private investigator to devise the most efficient strategy to catch the cheater in the act. Lastly, you need to assist the investigator in executing the plan to obtain the evidence.

All this can sound like basic advice, however catching someone in a lie and proving it can be challenging. In many cases the cheating person, (husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, etc.) has been lying about the affair for months or years. You may have gotten to the point where you are questioning your own sanity about whether you are imaging it or not. Partnering with a professional investigator can bring objectivity and sanity to the process of solving your problem and ultimately give you Peace of Mind.

How do you go about getting started? Call ICU Investigation for a free consultation concerning your specific situation. We work with you to devise the best strategy for success. Our toll free line for your Free Discreet Confidential Consultation is (800) 524-9755. Or you can e-mail us at info@icuinvestigations.com

• Smelling “sex” on a partner.
• Your partner suddenly asks to have sex with other people.
• Your partner suddenly does not want to have sex anymore
• Your partner calls you by the name of another person during an act of sex (not a former boyfriend or girlfriend).

2. Revelations of sexual infidelity.

• You witness or are directly told of your partner having sex with another.
• Your partner confesses to having an affair.
• Someone admits to you they have been having sex with your partner.
• Exaggerated displays of affection.
• Your partner suddenly starts to profess his or her “love” more than they used to.
• Your partner suddenly starts acting overly affectionate.
• Your partner starts talking about sex more often.

3. Exaggerated displays of affection.

• Your partner suddenly starts to profess his or her “love” more than they used to.
• Your partner suddenly starts acting overly affectionate.
• Your partner starts talking about sex more often.

4. Sexual disinterest or boredom.

• Your partner starts to act like he or she is “going through the motions” when having sex.
• Your partner suddenly seems less sexually aroused.
• Your partner begins to have shorter sex sessions, replacing what was once a long, passionate experience.

5. Emotional disengagement

• Your partner doesn’t respond when you say, “I love you”.
• Your partner suddenly starts acting rude towards you and distancing himself or herself from your daily life.
• Your partner starts looking for reasons to start an argument with you and then says, “We just don’t get along – we should think about this relationship”.
• Your partner changes the subject when a certain person’s name comes up and acts anxious.
• Your partner refuses to make eye contact with you, where once this was not an issue.

The fact is, nobody wants to be emotionally violated. This is because feelings and emotions are fragile things and it hurts when the person we love causes pain. If you suspect that your partner is cheating, then it might be time to confront him or her and ask for answers. Before doing so, be sure to have a sound basis for making accusations – a charge of infidelity is extremely serious. Having the proof documented by a professional investigator can make all the difference.

If you have questions or concerns don’t hesitate and call us today or click the link at the top for a Free Consulation.  Get the professional help you need!