Any good investigator will have many questions for you, one of the most important being, where and when will the surveillance begin?

We don’t ask this question to frustrate you. We realize that in most cases, “if you knew that” you wouldn’t need us. Well, here’s the thing, we don’t know your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend at all. I don’t know that your significant other works late on Tuesdays and Thursdays, has dinner with his folks every Sunday at 5 and has his kids every Wednesday and every other weekend, for example.

With that being said, there are a couple of things you can consider when choosing your most effective “start time”.

Rule out the periods of time when you are absolutely certain that it CANNOT be happening, i.e., those times listed above. Once you put pen to paper, you may see a clear pattern of behavior emerge, for example; Aha! Monday evenings, he is supposed to get off of work at 5, but he never gets home until 8. There you have it, your rock solid start time.

But he’s in sales, you say. He is his company’s most valued employee as he is tireless in his dedication to his work and clients. He is ALWAYS working, you say.

Well, have no fear. Here is when some good, ol’ fashioned creativity comes in handy. If cheater offers no clear opportunity, then we will create one for him.

Do you ever travel? Enjoy weekend visits with your folks or old friends? Not usually?

Well, do it now. Hire yourself a professional investigator to monitor the where-abouts of your sweetie. Give him plenty of notice. If cheater is seeing someone else who is supposedly in a committed relationship, this will give them an opportunity to get their stories straight and free them self of their significant other during the same time.

Still nothing? You say, “but we haven’t spent one night apart in 25 years……”

Then you leave your investigator very few options. You must increase your budget.

We hate to ask. We like to work cost efficiently. But in cases such as the above, we just have to ask you to pick a time and go for it. Perhaps you can start with 30-40 hours. Let the investigator get out in the field to get a feel for his subject. He may find that after 5 hours spent tailing the subject, he has an idea of what’s going on and can offer helpful suggestions as far as when the subsequent surveillance sessions should realistically begin.

We do hope that these tips help. We want to help you, but remember, you’ve loved this person for how long now and you don’t know what’s going on.

CHILDREN ARE DISILLUSIONED
For better or worse children look to adults to help make sense of the world they live in. Unfortunately, from the child’s vantagepoint much of what they are taught defies understanding. It is clear to the youngest children that what adults say is appropriate behavior bears little resemblance to what adults actually do. Children are keen observers. They see famous men who lie and still hold high office, adults who cheat and yet avoid being caught, and adults who kill in the name of religion. They are all too aware of adults who create problems and neglect to solve them, and adults who abuse themselves, or others, but who are nevertheless heralded as heroes or superstars. In this hypocritical social environment it is not surprising that those children who not only experience questionable adult behavior at a distance, but also close-up in their own families, are the children who are most at risk for growing up feeling alienated, angry and distrustful of the adult world.

WHO TO BLAME? – PARENTS?

There are in excess of fifteen million children in the US who have experienced first hand the dissolution of their family by the process of divorce. Divorce unfortunately brings out the worst in people and parenting skills seldom improve. Even when parents are able to see beyond their own emotional, physical and economic chaos they make mistakes that will impact the relationship with their children for years to come. In their attempts to reassure their children parents lie and obfuscate. In their attempts to look good in their children’s eyes they resort to buying their love, or demeaning the other parent. In their anxiety to spend enough time with their children they curtail the opportunities for them to form meaningful new relationships. In their need to move on with their own lives they may leave behind their children’s.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.  We can help!!!!!

Article Source: http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/id18.html

During the process of divorce children suffer multiple losses. Not only do they lose the nuclear family we hold up to them as the ideal, but each loses the parents they knew, as both parents change to accommodate their new life situation. Some children are forced to suffer not only changing relationships with their parents, but abandonment-a loss greater than bereavement, as it carries with it the hope of reconciliation and the fear of not being worthy-enough for that reconciliation to happen. Some lose their childhood and become burdened with the physical and economic responsibilities of helping support a single parent. Some lose their peers, as they become the “buddy,” or the “rock” on which their parents’ fragile egos rest. Many children lose their self-esteem as they struggle with their belief they were at fault and their consequent obligation to put everything right again. Their schemes, based on a false premise, seldom succeed, adding to their sense of failure.

OR SCHOOLS?
For children the most painful part of divorce is the difficulty it creates in keeping a close relationship with both parents. They have to contend with both the obvious logistic hassles and the complex emotional issues divorce creates. Both are made more daunting by the ways in which society and its agents create roadblocks to those ongoing relationships. Take schools for example. Most schools are not set up to communicate effectively with two parents living at different addresses. School notices, calendars, newspapers and report cards are sent to one parent with little likelihood of the information reaching the other. Conferences are set with one parent unless the other insists on two. That leaves one parent with the distinct message that they are of little importance in the child’s life now they live elsewhere. It also leaves the child with one parent who has little appreciation of what is happening at school and often even less of what is happening at home.

OR DOCTORS?
The medical profession fares no better. Most pediatric offices, although open to fathers, are seldom places that fathers feel welcome. Even when living in the family home they are often unable to answer the health and development questions they are asked and once living apart usually have minimal knowledge of their children’s bowel habits or ear infections. If the office staff have heard about the family problems only through the mother, most fathers get the distinct impression they are the enemy. Meanwhile the child sees the doctor’s office as yet another place where he is not on neutral territory when it comes to defending his need for his father’s attention.

OR THERAPISTS?
Mental health professionals miss golden opportunities to connect with children of divorce before there is a behavioral or emotional problem that can’t be ignored. Waiting for the child to exhibit inappropriate aggression, or falling grades, or poor peer relationships, depression, or substance abuse is to wait for behaviors which are hard to treat, costly to society and destructive to the individual. Most children in the first years of divorce are under the age of eight, confused, embarrassed, isolated and looking for ways to feel normal. Supportive adults who understand the issues involved for children and who will act as mentors and role models while the disorganized parents get their act together, are invaluable.

OR LAWYERS?
Perhaps the segment of society that creates the most chaos in children’s lives are the attorneys and the courts. The adversarial system they embody creates and sustains an atmosphere of unrelenting hostility between divorcing parents which decreases the likelihood that they will ever be able to cooperate when it comes to looking after the best interests of their children. In the rhetoric about fairness to men and fairness to women the issue of fairness to children seldom surfaces. When it comes to visitation agreements the cry from children is always “When are they going to listen to what would work for me?” It should be, but is not, normal practice to have a one year trial period during which parents could try out various schedules of visitation free from the fear that if they relinquish time with their kids that decision will be encoded in the final agreement. Such a simple procedure would avoid many unworkable visitation agreements and support families as they struggle to adapt to their new and rapidly evolving life circumstances. Schedules that seldom work but are currently “standard” include those with multiple short visits, those with unrealistic pick up and drop off time, those that insist on handovers being done at the family “home” instead of school or neutral territory, and those that do not build in the need to modify as the children get older. Impractical schedules cause heartache, anger, resentment and parental hostility-none of which is in the child’s best interest.

OR US ALL?
Finally all us, whether we meet with parents and children professionally or socially, need to be aware of the ways in which children could benefit from our help and support. We all avoid the subject of divorce, if we can, because like cancer and death we are scared to face the pain head on and neither know what to do or say. But the children from these families in flux can help us. They are crying out for us to just listen to them. If we can do that without making moral judgements on the inadequacy of either of their parents children will feel valued and worthy at a time in their lives when they doubt this the most. We cannot stand by and claim divorce is a private family matter. Children are condemned to stand in the midst of the complex adult emotional tangle that creates a divorce, and painful as it may be, those who care about children must stand with them. Teachers, coaches, neighborhood friends, doctors, nurses, psychologists, lawyers and judges, cannot hide behind the limitations placed on them by their professional roles. We are all just one degree of separation from divorce in this society. We need to be our children’s advocates rather than innocent bystanders. Each of us in our professional and non-professional roles has an opportunity and a responsibility to speak up for these children and offer them our support. To do this effectively we must be prepared to listen to what they are telling us and respect their point of view. All of us need to be prepared to take the risk of shedding the “shoulds” and “oughts” of our own distorted adult-centered vision and, for once, try looking at divorce through the eyes of a child.

Tessina, who has written a book on the topic, says if you’re not careful, lying to your partner about money-known as FINANCIAL INFIDELITY-can end up making your marriage miserable. And in today’s tumultuous economic times, losing your trust in your partner’s ability to handle money can be an even tougher pill to swallow.

Unfortunately, trust is not something that all married couples have when it comes to their money. According to a 2007 survey by online payment company, PayPal, 82 percent of those who were interviewed said they lied to their spouses about shopping purchases. A majority of those surveyed said their spouse was using money to control their relationship.

A big issue for marriages, according to certified divorce financial planner Cynthia Anderson Thompson, MBA is when spouses have varied money management styles-saver, hoarder, spendthrift, etc. “How couples handle finances while they’re married usually reflects attitudes and habits they formed long ago, observing their own families, ” Thompson said. “The problem is bad enough when their styles don’t match. Then proactive financial planning, budgeting, discussion, counseling and self awareness often can help if the spending is just about spending, and the partners are open to honest discussion, compromise, etc”.

Paskal and Hyman advice that couples to make financial decisions as a team: “In all situations, and especially with disproportionate earnings between partners, steps should be taken so that both partners have equal knowledge and authority of their system for spending and saving. It is important to have a discussion identifying the “Values” each person attaches to their finances and how they can work together to achieve those goals. Making financial decisions as a team from the beginning ensures that both partners have equal knowledge. This increases the level of trust between them and provides a system of checks and balances”.

When this doesn’t happen, couples usually end up with more than financial problems they usually end up contemplating divorce, Thompson said. That’s because they’ve discovered but not discussed the fact that one of them is an excessive spender and the other then becomes a secret saver in response. “When that mismatch of styles is not discussed, respected, analyzed, acknowledged, when it’s discounted, belittled or ignored, when the spending spouse has no ability or real intention of changing her or his actions to help meet the financial/emotional needs of the other, whether it be for security, investment or savings then you have a classic standoff. His need to spend, invest, provide, as he alone sees fit, versus her needs for security, investment, savings, “Thompson Said.

A married person who habitually spending more then he makes and runs up debt or borrows from future earnings, retirement, whether it’s hidden or not and knows that this is contrary to his spouse’s wishes, is being unfaithful to the health of the marriage relationship. He is demostracting a lack of respect, reciprocity, prudence, honesty, especially if he knows that the style of money management is distressing to his spouse. That’s why he may hide spending or he may do it without hiding, but saying I’m the boss tough about your feelings on the subject either way it’s a kind of financial infidelity”. Thompson said.

According to a 2005 HarrisInteractive poll of almost 1,800 people, abut one in three adults had lied to their significant others about how much money they spent on themselves or their children. About one in four adults called this kind of infidelity worse than a sexual kind.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

Article Source: www.womansday.com

Much has been written about ways to keep your marriage strong. Usually when you read about someones failed marriage, you hear talk or one or a few of the things that happened that helped sentence the marriage to death. Usually at the top of the list are finances and sex or lack of it and or affairs. But long before these things usually come into play there are things being put into place that virtually ensure the marriage will eventually die. This list is to remind all of us what happens to people whom at one time loved and cared deeply for each other.

Taking each other for granted

Lack of interest in what your mate is involved in

Workaholics

In law problems

No time for each other after the children arrive

Feeling you have nothing in common with each other

Different paths as far as christian beliefs

Not eating meals together

Not sleeping together

Understanding not the effect of nice clothes and perfume

Not traveling together for unannounced trips just to get away and be alone with each other

Living only for the children whether they are small or adults

Not agreeing to disagree

Personal grooming

Taking care of your own health

Spending too much time with family and not enough time with each other

Not watching movies or keeping up with news events together

Not having similar interests

Disagreeing over finances

Not spending one complete hour per week with your mate

Being unable to discuss your own likes and dislikes involving sex

Not able to lay in each other arms and talk of individual dreams

Showing more care and concern for others outside the marriage especially towards one’s nuclear family.

No kissing or touching each other

No attempts to please a mate

Not having the ability to seize the moment for a heart to heart talk

Thinking your mate is always wrong

Not having sexual intercourse

Having a feeling that your mate is the enemy

Not truly caring enough about the person you are married to in order to at least discuss any of the above items that just may be the solution

 If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

Article Source: http://www.authorsden.com

Women’s relationships today follow a very predictable pattern:

They push men for commitment

They get what they want

They loose interest in sex

They become attracted to someone else

They start cheating

They become angry and resentful

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

They blame their partners for their behavior…and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

If you’re a male, like most other males, you would probably never suspect that your partner is cheating, not only because of your wife’s or girlfriend’s seeming disinterest in sex; but also because you have the belief that your wife or girlfriend is a “good girl”. Unfortunately, males are frequently left/divorced by their wives and girlfriends without ever knowing about their wives’ and girlfriends’ infidelities.

If you’re a female, like most other females, prior to cheating on your partner you always proclaimed yourself to be “not the type” who would ever cheat. However, also like most other females, after they have cheated, you’re shocked and appalled by your behavior; but at the same time you can’t stop cheating.

Women’s relationships and marriages will continue to follow this same pattern unless we develop an accurate understanding of females particularly in regard to their sexuality.

The media has finally begun to acknowledge the widespread problem of female infidelity. Recently several books and articles have attempted to explain why women are cheating as much as men. However, none were successful in their attempt. All of them left out very important pieces to this extremely complicated puzzle.

Currently, women are initiating 70-75% of all divorces. Women are most likely to divorce in their late twenties and thirties after an average of 4 years of marriage. During this time it’s quite common for women to experience a pre-midlife crisis, only with an important difference – a difference that can actually make women more likely to cheat then men.

The “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted a home, a family, a great husband but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husband to cheat or worse yet leave them.

Stage 2

Women in Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the martial relationship. Whether these encounters with a “new” man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters. Many women in this stage haven’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends or at home with their husbands. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin  to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

Stage 3

Women in Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3. It is also common for a woman at this stage to attempts to initiate a separation. Husbands of Stage 3 women will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints the last thing women at Stage 3 want is to spend more time with their husbands. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl”.

Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that martial sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day to day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally making a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

Female Infidelity will not only continue to be extremely common but it will also continue to be on the rise.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

The most frequent signs of Internet Infidelity include excessive time online especially when you are not around, Instant Messengers, email accounts that you do not have access to, closing or shutting down the computer when you approach, positioning the computer so that no one can easily view the monitor. The history and temporary Internet files are deleted after each use. Large amounts of time spent in chat rooms and instant messengers.

The most significant sign you can have is a GUT feeling about what your spouse is doing online. You can take an average person who is committed to his or her family and find them readily sucked into the allure of the Internet. It is a powerful and hypnotic escape from the reality of bill paying and responsibilities.

If you are experiencing the gut feeling about  your spouse or mate, the most important thing you can do at this time is to keep your suspicions to yourself. Do not say anything to them to alert them of your suspicion. This will only cause them to become more secretive about what it is they do online or in real life.

The bottom line of checking into your spouse’s activities is that you may find the one thing you thought you could never survive infidelity and pornography. You have to be prepared to deal with what you find emotionally or you will tip your hand before you have all the information ou need to confront your spouse.

Start a journal or log of events including dates and times. When someone becomes addicted or compulsive about a behavior, they tend to lie extensively to cover up their shame. They may try to convince you that you are crazy or you do not know what you are talking about.

The difference between knowing or not knowing may save your family or your life. Pornography addiction has been proven to cause people to engage in high risk activities that may expose them to diseases such as AIDS.

Cheating on the Internet implies getting in contact with another person or persons through different methods. The initial contact will be usually made by chat or email, which immediately will evolve into a chat conversation. Once in communication through one of the hundreds of chat software programs available any kind of information can be exchanged between the tow persons like text, images, sounds and even live video.

The places where people can meet on the Internet are thousands and they can be classified into the following categories:

Chat rooms, friend networks, direct contact through chat profiles, sites to match couples.

When people start getting acquainted with the other people through those chat conversations they will start to share their problems, likes and dislikes, getting an enormous amount of sympathy from the other person. This person is the ideal receptor letting us to say whatever we want without questioning it and usually agrees with our point of view. That sympathy will turn into affection afterwards and if the relationship for sometime, sooner or later one of the persons will ask the other to meet somewhere to know each other.

It is important to understand that not everyone who chats or even meets in real life are cheaters. The Internet is a great resource and we all are responsible on how we use it.

There are several ways to catch her if your spouse is having a cyber-affair. he most sure-fire way is to directly monitor their computer.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

 Article Source: http://www.topicnow.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=C_Caldwell

You have just realized your spouse other has been unfaithful and cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks.

You have hope that your relationship can survive your spouse cheating on you, however you feel ill to your stomach whenever you think about the affair. Here are some tips to get beyond the hurt, learn how to forgive and save your marriage.

Don’t make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just     because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised.

Feelings are neither wrong or right, accept that your feelings, of uncertainty, shock, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

Take care of yourself, you may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or you may binge eat.

Balance is the key to getting through this. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, stay on a schedule, sleep your regular hours, exercise each day and try to have some fun.

It’s okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies/TV shows. Spend time with people who make you smile and laugh. Remember life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

Tears are healthy too, if you cant cry naturally put on some sad music or watch a sad movie.

Begin a journal, start writing all your thoughts down about your spouse’s unfaithfulness.

Ask all the questions you want. Talk to your spouse about the infidelity, ask questions.

Seek counseling, don’t go through this alone.

Take it one day at a time, don’t rush,

If children are involved they need to know you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through trauma, be honest, but don’t weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you.

Try not to get in the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity, it’s a waist of energy.

Get practical, start looking at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you decide to end your marriage make sure you have thought out where you will live, do you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc…

There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. You may never truly know why it happened.

Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier, such as was it a one night stand or an affair?, A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation.

Remember your marriage has changed, it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family. Family members can often hold grudges.

Willingness to forgive, this takes time, but if you and your spouse want your marriage to work, it can it just takes time.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog please or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!