Finding out or having suspicions that you’ve been cheated on comes with high emotions, which are also accompanied by impulsive decisions. Tracy Schorn of Huffington Post Divorce says that, “The goal here, upon finding out that you’ve been cheated on, is to take back your power, maintain your dignity and not do anything homicidal.”
Read the following five principles highlighting what NOT to do if you find out you’ve been cheated on:
1. Do not confront the cheater without solid proof. This principle is key, especially since most cheaters will deny, deny, deny. That’s what we’re here for: evidence, solid proof, and peace of mind. When a cheater is presented with irrefutable evidence, there is nowhere else to run.
2. Never accept accountability for their cheating indiscretions. According to Schorn, “People cheat because they feel entitled to. Cheaters are 100 percent responsible for their decision to cheat.” Don’t let them put the blame on you, and never feel guilty for protecting yourself. There are hundreds of other options to proactively take control of your relationship if you’re unhappy. Cheating is not one of them.
3. Don’t give them any time to “decide.” “Have you heard the expression, don’t make anyone a priority who only makes you an option? You are not an option,” says Schorn. “You are their spouse. This is not a contest. They made a commitment to you. They don’t get to renegotiate the terms. Stalling for time, acting vague about how they intend to make this right, talking a good game and never coming through on the particulars — these are all ploys to keep them in the affair.” The cheater needs to decide NOW.
4. Do not beg. Do not allow the cheater to see that they are in the position of power. MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY. It is perfectly ok to cry and be upset and angry. Schorn says to let that anger “fuel you forward” and stand your ground.
5. Do not waste your time trying to fix them. Naturally, after discovering infidelity, Schorn says, “You’ll posit theories. You’ll deconstruct their family of origin issues. You’ll order a dozen infidelity books on Amazon. All this does is keep your energy focused on them. Not you. You only get to control yourself. So what do you want? Is this person someone you want to invest in? What is acceptable and unacceptable to you? And what are you going to do about it? If you’re so busy trying to uncode them, or predict what they’ll do next, or prevent them from doing some awful thing, you will just stay stuck. It doesn’t matter why they are how they are. You can’t fix it. You just get to fix you.”
Get the proof you need TODAY by contacting ICU Investigations. Suspicious? Get Answers.
Meagan McCrary, co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags, composed the article “Infidelity Red Flags Confirmed By Real Women” (and the men who have experienced it), which highlights how women are more emotionally-driven in contrast to men when it comes to infidelity.
1. Diverting the guilt: Women who are cheating may project those feelings onto their significant others by accusing them of cheating. “My girlfriend of three years all of a sudden started questioning my every move,” said Mark, 28. “Turned out she had slept with another guy.”
2. Sudden change in appearance: According to Sara, 27, “I typically showed up for my business school classes in sweats, no makeup, hair in a bun. I had a boyfriend; what did I care? Then I developed a crush on a guy in one of my classes. Soon enough, I was spending an hour to get ready for school, swapping my ratty sweats for cute dresses.”
3. Sudden need of more space: 29-year-old Jeff says, “My ex told me she needed some space, then went off to hook up with someone else.”
4. Complaints about the lack of romance in your relationship: According to Leslie, 39, “I’m one of those women who craves romance, cuddling, flowers, love notes, the whole shebang. I’ve reminded him that there are other fish in the sea. No change. So when a guy in my office started paying all sorts of attention to me, I went with it.”
5. A new “best friend”: “After living together for three years, I knew the relationship was over when my ex started spending all of her free time––and all of the time we had to spend together––going to the clubs with a woman she met in her spin class,” says Chris, 27. Wingwoman? Maybe. Has she cheated yet? Not necessarily. But she’s enjoying what it feels like to be living the single life!
6. Staying out all night: 27-year-old Sara said, “I told my boyfriend I was going out for drinks with a colleague and would meet up with him later in the night. Then a guy I had a crush on from work showed up. Hours later, I called my boyfriend to say I was ‘too drunk’ and needed to sleep at my friend’s apartment; then I went home with the guy.”
7. The people closest to you tell you she’s cheating: For the most part, the people that are closest to you are looking out for your best interest, so when they take the time to reveal that your significant other may be or is cheating, you should listen. “I knew someone who had firsthand knowledge my girlfriend was cheating,” says 28-year-old Mark. “But I believed her when she said it was a lie, because nobody wants to believe the worst, no matter how obvious it may be.”
8. A sudden interest in your schedule: Rachel, 36, says “My ex-husband was an electrician, and his work schedule was different from day to day. Sometimes he would be home at noon, sometimes not till 8 at night. When I planned to meet up with my fling, I would always call him in the morning to see where he was going to be later that day.”
9. She gives every excuse in the book not to have sex: “We stopped sleeping together because she didn’t ‘feel as close to me’ as she used to,” says Mark. “I’m assuming now that this was because she was feeling closer to the other guy’s naked body.”
10. She could care less…about everything: Jen, 30, says this about her and her husband’s relationship; “After being married for five years, our screaming and fighting faded into a general tolerance for one another. I was tempted to cheat on a few occasions and even took a guy’s phone number. I was desperate for a little excitement.”
KNOW THE TRUTH before you confront your partner. Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU Investigations TODAY!
Huffington Post Divorce posted an article written by Sasha Brown-Worsham on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir, in which they conducted a survey asking women, “What are the signs that you are about to cheat?” What was it that made straying from their marriages an attractive idea?
Here are the five answers compiled in the survey of women who cheated on their spouse:
1. Sex life on the decline: According to Huffington Post, “A lot of the women said that between the stress of raising children and the stress of working, they were having sex less and less. Eventually, some guy caught their eye and boom! They were the cliched housewife sleeping with their personal trainers.”
2. You’ve only had sex with…him: An anonymous source answered with, “I was 24 when I got married to my husband just out of college. I never slept with anyone but him.” She thought maybe there was something else out there; she was curious. Brown-Worsham says, “This led to her being curious, and curiosity… well, it sometimes kills cats and other times it leads to affairs.”
3. Lack in compliments: Sometimes, you just need to feel appreciated for all of the things that you do. When you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for some time, the compliments decrease and you’re left feeling like you need more.
4. Revenge affair: Women could seek a revenge affair because their spouse cheated, or because they feel betrayed in other ways, such as one source whose, “husband was a gambler who left them in financial ruin.”
5. Just plain neglect: Busy, busy, busy. Everyone has responsibilities to care of at work, home, school, etc. After a while, we feel like it has been months, even years since we’ve gotten some attention. And another man might give her that attention she craves.
Katie Parsons for GalTime.com shares an article on Huffington Post, highlighting Daniel Gomez, private investigator and TV personality appearing on the show Cheaters, as he shares the differing telltale signs of cheating between men and women.
How to tell that HE is cheating:
1. Decrease in sex drive. When a man is interested sexually in another person (or committing the act itself), his desire for his spouse or significant other may decrease.
2. Paying attention to appearance. More time spent at the gym, brand new clothes, and an overall change in the interest of his appearance.
3. Money unaccounted for. According to Gomez, “If there’s money in the household budget that is unaccounted for, it could point to cheating — particularly if it’s untraceable through credit or debit card records.”
4. Cell phone paranoia. A man that suddenly keeps a tight grip on his phone, or adds a password to keep intruders out, may be hiding private conversations with an extramarital partner.
5. Car changes. Gomez warns to look for “unaccounted mileage, receipts or belongings in a man’s car. Another red flag: a passenger seat moved to a different position.”
How to tell that SHE is cheating:
1. Girl time. While men try to cover their tracks after the fact, women worry more about the back story. A common sign that Gomez sees of cheating women is when they suddenly are spending more time with their girlfriends (or just saying they are). “I’ve even seen people stopping at a girlfriend’s house at the end of a date and then posting pics of them together on Facebook,” says Gomez. “Maybe they see the friend for 10 minutes only, but they work hard to make it look like they’ve been with that person the whole time.”
2. Increase in exercise. Gomez says that while men tend to focus on their overall appearance, women focus mostly on the gym. The gym allows her to work to look her best for a new man and could double as a meet-up place.
3. Unknown email accounts. A man would just delete his emails. A woman is more likely to create an entirely new account to solely communicate with a love interest.
4. Girls nights out. If these outings are out of the ordinary, and becoming increasingly frequent, she could be on the prowl.
Men react. Women plan. One thing is for sure; the best way to prove your suspicions is to hire the help of a private investigator to collect the evidence for you. Because, according to Gomez, “Without evidence, you can’t prove it. And you may cause him or her to be even more cautious about their cheating. Once the person knows you’re onto him or her, that makes it harder for you, and investigators like me, to find the proof.”
Suspicious? Get Answers TODAY with ICU Investigations. Call for your free consultation.
Julia Hartley Moore, a private investigator specializing in infidelity for over 15 years, sheds some light on the emotional questions that infidelity investigators are asked by their clients everyday. What you don’t know CAN hurt you, and this article posted on DivorcedMoms.com and Huffington Post Divorce may help you protect yourself. Read Moore’s responses to these difficult questions below:
1. If he wants her so much, why does he stay with me?
Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.
2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair?
Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.
3. Why does he keep doing this to me?
They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.
Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.
4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again?
To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.
Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.
5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual?
Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”
When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.
6. Is it my fault?
How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?
Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.
7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be?
Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.
8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask.
In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.
9. Do I need to prove the identity of the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce?
Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.
10. Should I stay for the children?
Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.
11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously?
Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.