Julia Hartley Moore, a private investigator specializing in infidelity for over 15 years, sheds some light on the emotional questions that infidelity investigators are asked by their clients everyday. What you don’t know CAN hurt you, and this article posted on DivorcedMoms.com and Huffington Post Divorce may help you protect yourself. Read Moore’s responses to these difficult questions below:
1. If he wants her so much, why does he stay with me?
Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.
2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair?
Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.
3. Why does he keep doing this to me?
They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.
Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.
4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again?
To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.
Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.
5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual?
Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”
When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.
6. Is it my fault?
How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?
Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.
7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be?
Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.
8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask.
In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.
9. Do I need to prove the identity of the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce?
Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.
10. Should I stay for the children?
Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.
11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously?
Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.
Beyondaffairs.com conducted a survey of people who had been a victim of infidelity in their marriage, asking them to share the signs of infidelity they were able to identify. According to Beyondaffairs.com, “70% of those surveyed professed a high level of morality in their belief systems, and a high level of marital fulfillment and satisfaction. Affairs are not solely a problem of an unfortunate few with ‘bad’ marriages. Extramarital affairs happen to good people in good marriages too.”
Beyondaffairs.com reports the 10 signs of infidelity, according to their survey participants:
1. A spouse becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed.
2. The unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times, cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience.
3. The issue of control voiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are “controlling”, yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control.
4. A reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
5.Illness of the one who is faithful (reported by 50% of those who participated).
6. Paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
7. Showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they’ve never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough, this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression.
8. Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions.
9. Becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex.
10. An obsessive need for privacy and staying up late at night to work on the computer.
Other signs included noticing something different in your sex life, not always wearing their wedding ring (which they give amazingly believable reasons for), unaccounted for time and being caught lying (which they will explain away with various other reasons).
Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU Investigations today!
What is domestic surveillance?
Domestic surveillance is the method used to discover if spouses are cheating on each other. It can involve husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. Also referred to as “tailing someone”, it is the technique of putting an investigator out in the field that follows the suspected cheater to document their activities without their knowledge.
I feel embarrassed about even talking to someone about this.
We get calls every day from people in relationships who suspect their spouse or significant others of cheating. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. What you are seeking is peace of mind about something you are not sure of. It is natural to seek to determine if your suspicions are real or imagined. We invest a tremendous part of ourselves in relationships. It is natural to want to determine the strength and integrity of that relationship.
What if I am wrong?
If there is no evidence the subject is cheating, you will have gained peace of mind about your relationship. Since our investigations are 100% confidential, you will not have risked sacrificing the relationship if you are wrong.
Is domestic surveillance legal?
Surveillance is the process of documenting what is going on in the world of an individual. No laws are broken. It is 100% legal.
I have never hired a private investigator, how do I start?
First, you need to be sure you retain the services of a reputable, honest licensed detective agency. Make sure they are well established with a track record. Check to be sure they are fully licensed and insured. Do they have actual offices or is it someone working out their home? Do they answer the phone with a live person or do you get voice mail or a cell phone in the field? Check with the Better Business Bureau to be sure there are no complaints about the company. Last of all, do your own “gut check” about the agency you are talking to. Do they make you feel at ease? Are they using pressure tactics and hard sell techniques?
What are the fees charged for domestic surveillance?
Surveillance is billed on an hourly basis plus a mileage charge. Before the project is started, a strategy is established depending on the circumstances and your needs. Once this plan is in place, a budget can be established. Investigation services are payable in advance of the work being conducted. Payment can be made by credit card (over the phone if you wish), or by cash or check.
How is the surveillance plan established?
You will need to let the investigator know at which times you think the suspected activity is taking place. Will we need to follow the person from home or from work? Does the person have a fixed schedule? Do you know anything about the suspected other party? All these questions and more go into creating an effective surveillance strategy.
What will I need to tell the investigator?
The following are some of the things that help us get the investigation started. You may not have all the information, however, the more you have the better. The investigator will need a photograph of the person being investigated. If the subject is being followed from home, it can also be helpful to have photographs of other members of the household. We will need a complete description of the subject, weight, height, hair color, etc. If you think you know the other party they are cheating with, give us whatever information you know about them.
We will need to know the make, model and color of the subject’s vehicle, with license plate if possible. If we are following them from work, we will need to know the type of parking and where they park their vehicle.
We will also need to know the driving habits of the subject and the addresses of places you think they may visit.
How many agents are used on a domestic surveillance case?
The number of agents used depends on a number of factors. Basic surveillance on an individual being followed from home or an uncomplicated work situation can be conducted by one agent. More complicated scenarios, such as following someone from a high-rise office building, or airport or hotel require an additional agent. Other factors in which we may recommend a second agent include fast and aggressive drivers and extra alert drivers who always watch the rear view mirror. Of course an additional agent increases the cost of a surveillance, and this factor is also taken into consideration in arriving at your budget.
How will you contact me without tipping off my spouse?
First, we will ask if the phone number you give is secure. Saying it is secure means that only you or someone you trust answers the phone and that we can safely leave a voice mail message if no one answers. If the number is not secure, we will discuss other strategies. When we contact you, the first thing we will say is “is this a good time to talk”. If the subject or someone else is present and you can’t talk, you can say “no” or you can say “you have the wrong number” or anything else. We will hang up and you can call us back when it is safe.
What do I do once the surveillance is set up?
Once the surveillance plan is in place, it is important that you do not do anything to tip off the subject to the investigation. Do not change your habits and do not ask too many questions about their activities.
How do you follow someone?
The techniques of tailing someone are an acquired skill. When following someone, we are constantly weighing two factors against each other. First, we want to stay close enough to make sure we do not lose the subject at a traffic light or in heavy traffic. However, we are constantly balancing this against staying so close that we run the risk of being observed by the subject. The art of balancing these two factors in a variety of situations can executed well only by having an experienced investigator working the case. In some cases, a second agent is preferable or required, which allows us to keep safer distances while not minimizing the chance of losing the subject.
Will the suspected cheater find out that they are being watched?
Our surveillance investigations are 100% confidential. We do everything necessary to insure the covert nature of the investigation. If we ever perceive that the security of the investigation is threatened, we pull back and with your input, reconsider the tactics being deployed.
What evidence will I receive at the conclusion?
The evidence collected in domestic surveillance consists of a cd of the activities and a surveillance report, which details all the activity in writing. Both are submitted to you, or if you wish, we can maintain them for you.
What sets ICU Investigations apart from other detective agencies?
At ICU Investigations, we deliver quality investigations. Every organization is only as good as their staff. At ICU Investigations, we have seasoned professionals in the field working for you.
How do you go about getting started?
Call ICU Investigation for a free consultation concerning your specific situation.
We work with you to devise the best strategy for success.
The toll free line for your Free, Discreet, Confidential Consultation is (800) 524-9755.
Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU.
According to Huffington Post Divorce, AshleyMadison.com, the site made specifically for those seeking extramarital affairs, conducted a survey last month revealing the time and day you’re most likely to catch a cheating spouse.
172,000 of AshleyMadison’s users were polled to determine the day and time they were most likely to cheat. 18% of the users responded with Wednesday between 5pm and 7pm, making this time frame the most consistent.
Huffington Post Divorce writes, “You can add this little nugget of cheating trivia to the wealth of knowledge AshleyMadison has already released about its user base, from the city with the highest concentration of mistresses (New York City) to the cheaters’ favorite affair anthem (R. Kelly’s ‘Down Low (Nobody Has to Know),’ naturally.”
The safest way to confirm your suspicions is to employ the help of a licensed, private investigator.
Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU Investigations.
Communication online has opened up the world for cheaters looking for an affair. But people think that once the physical evidence has been deleted from the cell phone, computer, etc. that it can no longer be retrieved. ICU can find the digital trail of evidence that a cheater leaves behind.
ABC News reported about two private investigators that revealed red flags and how they retrieved the seemingly “deleted” information.
1. It’s never really deleted…
“Ed Opperman, a Colorado-based PI, said he has recovered deleted text messages, calendar updates, memos, incoming and outgoing call records and other information from cell phones of alleged cheats.”
Just because they deleted those text messages from their inbox and that picture from storage, does not mean it’s been lost forever. The data is still in your phone, and we can retrieve it.
2. Email Addresses can be used for searching sites…
“For a fee, Opperman offers to scour dating, escort services, porn and personal ad website registries for a suspected cheat’s email address.”
Providing us with an email address for the suspected cheater is crucial.
3. Phone Call Records
Request a paper bill from your cell phone provider. We can scour these bills, looking for repeat numbers, long phone calls, patterns, odd call hours and volume, etc.
4. Good Ol’ Fashioned Sting Op
Some private investigators will take it upon themselves to try to lure the suspected cheater into a conversation or a tryst.
The reasonable expectation of privacy is disappearing with the information people are willing to leave behind. No one is invisible.
If you feel your significant other is engulfed in an affair, or feel they may be searching for one, contact ICU Investigations for your free consultation today.
Suspicious? Get Answers TODAY!