Dating Coach, David Wygant of YourTango.com talks about how friendships turn into affairs in this article posted on Huffington Post Divorce;
In my 15 years of coaching, women have come to me over and over again with the same problem: Falling for a married man. The story always begins the same way: “There’s this guy… he’s so great. We connect in every way and he makes my heart flutter like a schoolgirl. I know, I know. He’s married. But we’ve only gone on a couple of innocent dates…”
Then, the guy makes his move.
From the beginning, he tells you what a great friend you are — and how nice it is to finally meet someone he can talk to. You eat it up, thinking to yourself, “Yes, talking. That’s all we’re doing…”
Then suddenly things change. He seems different. Before you know it, he makes his move. He springs it upon you ever so slyly, making you feel special; making you feel unique. He’ll say things like, “Wow, my wife just doesn’t listen to me like you do.” Or, “She just doesn’t understand me. And it’s really nice to be with a woman that does.”
He’ll tell you this over a glass of Tempranillo as he looks longingly into your eyes, sweetly brushing a stray hair from your face. It’s kryptonite for the nurturing woman. And it kind of sounds like a date. A date with a married man.
Sure, on the surface, he looks like the all-American dad. On the surface, he looks like a great husband. He tells everybody that it’s okay his marriage isn’t passionate. He’s grown so much as an individual he thinks he doesn’t need wild, fulfilling sex anymore. He’d rather have somebody that’s a great mother than someone with great passion because “passion dies.”
He’s convinced himself of this.
We don’t want to speak to the potential other woman like Mr. Wygant is in this article. We want to speak to you, the potential victim of infidelity, and show you how a simple “friendship” may cross over into an affair.
1. Begins with an emotional affair. It may start as business and he’ll defend it by saying, “It’s just a business lunch/dinner,” or “We deserve a harmless happy hour after a long week.”
2. Progression to “innocent” flirting. Example: He’ll send texts telling her he read something reminding him of her.
3. He will tell you about his “friendship”. Speaking freely about this friendship will help him justify it, to you and him.
Whether they want to admit it or not, these men are looking for an affair; emotional or physical, or both.
If you think a friendship or work relationship that your significant other is engaged in has the potential to cross over into affair territory, or maybe it already has, contact the staff at ICU Investigations to get the proof and peace of mind you deserve.
Call 1-800-524-9755 today for your free consultation.
Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU Investigations.
Bob Tomes of YourTango.com gives us a male perspective on why men cheat based on his life and conversations he’s had with other men.
What are they really looking for?
- Emotional connection. Once the honeymoon stage is over (complete with struggles, fights, ups and downs, etc.), for some, it may be hard to get back to that lovey-dovey, emotional connection that couples once shared. When meeting someone new, those struggles aren’t present and they are encountered by a new, exciting relationship that ignites an emotional response.
- Appreciation. He’s not getting positive affirmations and appreciation at home? It starts to get old. Someone else may be willing to appreciate his hard work if he’s not getting it at home.
- Intimacy. According to Tomes, “Men want a partner who will listen, who will volunteer information about their own lives and discoveries and someone who smiles and excitedly shares their hopes and dreams.” After being together for a decent amount of time and life becomes centered inward instead of experiencing what’s on the outside, men have the tendency to get, well, bored. “We’re married, I know everything about you.”
- Feeling wanted. Everyone wants to feels wanted. A man wants to feel like a man. According to Tomes, “As life moves along, a man can often feel like his contribution is taken for granted and who he is, as opposed to what he can provide, becomes less important. In a new relationship, suddenly he matters again.”
- Sex. The elephant in the room. Besides the obvious physical needs, sex provides a man with numbers 1 through 4 (emotional connection, appreciation, intimacy, feeling wanted).
A New York private investigator stepped inside Haven Rooftop at Sanctuary Hotel in Manhattan as a decoy to help spot the married man looking for an extramarital affair.
The married man:
1. Sits in a corner: “A married man will sit in a booth, in the back of a restaurant. It tends to be less busy and out of the main area where other patrons would be and perhaps a chance where someone might notice him.”
2. Wears a suit or sports coat: “He will generally wear a suit or a nice sports coat with a pair of trousers; nothing too casual.”
3. Buys drinks from across the bar: “A married man is going to buy a drink for a woman across the bar.”
4. Conceals ring finger: “He’s going to hide his ring finger by either placing it in his pocket or concealing it in some way, and then holding his drink in his right hand so that his ring finger is out of view.”
5. Steps away to text: “He will step away to make a phone call or a text.”
6. Pays with cash: “He usually will pay with cash and not a credit card because he doesn’t want a trail.”
Suspicious? Get Answers with ICU Investigations.
Call 1-800-524-9755 for your free consultation.
What do you do when you think your good friend’s spouse is cheating?
Clinical Psychologist Joti Samra addressed this issue with one of her readers after receiving a letter about the exact same topic. Samra replied, “They are ultimately the only people who can come to a resolution about how their relationship should unfold. As a result, there is little to no value in sharing your opinions.”
In other words, keep your suspicions to yourself. Without solid evidence, you may be causing more harm than good.
Huffington Post took to Facebook and Twitter and asked readers their thoughts on the subject. Here are some responses:
- “Not if you just THINK they are. Now if you KNOW they are, I think you should go to the spouse that is cheating and let them know you are going to give them the chance to ‘fess up but if they don’t, then you will,’” – Randi D.
- “I was cheated on and have a huge issue with people not saying anything if they know. Several of my ‘friends’ knew (and even allowed their place to be used for my ex and his girlfriend). I feel that at the very least they should have not condoned it. They should have told him to come clean.” – Tara H.
- “Yes, if you want to ruin two lives.” – @MainmacoSeth
- “I would want someone to tell me, so yes, I would. And would be very hurt by someone keeping it from me.” – @TheWonderWords
- “Nope! I did that once. No hearsay or passing of gossip; I had walked in and caught them being intimate on the floor! I told my friend and she attacked me and never spoke to me again. Lesson learned!” – Lorraine S.
- “Yes, without a doubt! I was the victim of a cheating spouse and everyone knew before me! Unless you have personally experienced this you can never comprehend the pain and the devastation.” – Bob P.
- “Don’t tell. If they reconcile you’ll be enemy no.1!” – @kalebogile
- “Yes, but you need solid proof. And you need to be prepared to lose that friend for a little bit.” – @EWrigglesworth
- “NO NO NO. If they ask, don’t lie, but don’t volunteer.” – @southerner09
- “I would stay out of it or if you truly care about your friend, I would hire a private investigator and send proof without giving away your identity.” – Laura L.
- “No, no good can come of it.” – Barbara H.
No matter your opinion, the safest, most effective way to catch a cheater in the act is utilizing professional investigators to conduct surveillance efforts.
Have thoughts on the subject? Let us know!
Suspicious? Get Answers TODAY with ICU Investigations.
Ashley Madison, the innovator in facilitating extramarital affairs, has an updated app available on iOS and Android devices that boasts new features to help members keep their affairs quiet.
- Pin Access
- Disposable phone numbers to use when communicating with the “other man” or “other woman”, assuming you don’t want your contact information compromised and accessible to your affair partner.
- Panic Button: “Users can remotely log out of Ashley Madison from any computer they had used to log on. When you press the panic button, the web page reportedly shuts down and switches over to a ‘local, family friendly website.’”
Keep a look out for these other mobile apps that help cheaters keep their romps on the down low:
SlyDial: Bypasses a phone call and goes directly to the dialed person’s voicemail. No missed call is logged (perfect for people who want to leave a message, with no trace. PS: Voice Mailboxes can be setup with passwords).
CATE: Call and Text Eraser, Keeps a hidden log of messages/calls/contacts. Also has a panic feature, which if accessed, will instantly delete all information. Also, if you need to minimize the app quickly, all you have to do is “shake” your phone and it disappears.
TigerText: Erases messages after an allotted amount of time, so the cheater doesn’t have to worry about the recipient being in charge of deleting the evidence.
Vaulty Stocks: To the naked eye, it looks like a normal stock exchange monitoring application, but it actually stores pictures and videos that you wouldn’t want your significant other to see.
Blackbook: For use on Blackberry devices. Maintains a list of hidden contacts and messages that do not directly correspond with the phone’s main phone book and inbox. There is no icon for the app on the home screen; it must be accessed by a password. Cheaters can customize the app to say “System Memory Low” when an incoming message comes in.
The Mobile Vault: Conceals contacts, pictures, videos and text messages. All data is backed up to private cloud space, so all of the information can be recovered if the phone is lost. Here’s the best part…If the cheater has the premium version of the app and an intruder tries to access the application with an incorrect passcode, it will snap a picture of the person!
Suspicious? Get Answers TODAY!