The Infidelity Investigator

When you make a promise to love, honor and cherish another person, the faithfulness implied doesn’t have a thing to do with money. Still, according to Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist Tina Tessina, also known as Dr. Romance, money is one of three things along with sex and kids that cause the most arguments in a marriage.

Tessina, who has written a book on the topic, says if you’re not careful, lying to your partner about money-known as FINANCIAL INFIDELITY-can end up making your marriage miserable. And in today’s tumultuous economic times, losing your trust in your partner’s ability to handle money can be an even tougher pill to swallow.

Unfortunately, trust is not something that all married couples have when it comes to their money. According to a 2007 survey by online payment company, PayPal, 82 percent of those who were interviewed said they lied to their spouses about shopping purchases. A majority of those surveyed said their spouse was using money to control their relationship.

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30 Ways a Marriage is Guaranteed to Fail

Much has been written about ways to keep your marriage strong. Usually when you read about someones failed marriage, you hear talk or one or a few of the things that happened that helped sentence the marriage to death. Usually at the top of the list are finances and sex or lack of it and or affairs. But long before these things usually come into play there are things being put into place that virtually ensure the marriage will eventually die. This list is to remind all of us what happens to people whom at one time loved and cared deeply for each other.

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Women are cheating as much as men… The real reason women are cheating as much as men.

Women’s relationships today follow a very predictable pattern:

They push men for commitment

They get what they want

They loose interest in sex

They become attracted to someone else

They start cheating

They become angry and resentful

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

They blame their partners for their behavior…and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

If you’re a male, like most other males, you would probably never suspect that your partner is cheating, not only because of your wife’s or girlfriend’s seeming disinterest in sex; but also because you have the belief that your wife or girlfriend is a “good girl”. Unfortunately, males are frequently left/divorced by their wives and girlfriends without ever knowing about their wives’ and girlfriends’ infidelities.

If you’re a female, like most other females, prior to cheating on your partner you always proclaimed yourself to be “not the type” who would ever cheat. However, also like most other females, after they have cheated, you’re shocked and appalled by your behavior; but at the same time you can’t stop cheating.

Women’s relationships and marriages will continue to follow this same pattern unless we develop an accurate understanding of females particularly in regard to their sexuality.

The media has finally begun to acknowledge the widespread problem of female infidelity. Recently several books and articles have attempted to explain why women are cheating as much as men. However, none were successful in their attempt. All of them left out very important pieces to this extremely complicated puzzle.

Currently, women are initiating 70-75% of all divorces. Women are most likely to divorce in their late twenties and thirties after an average of 4 years of marriage. During this time it’s quite common for women to experience a pre-midlife crisis, only with an important difference – a difference that can actually make women more likely to cheat then men.

The “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.

Stage 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted a home, a family, a great husband but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husband to cheat or worse yet leave them.

Stage 2

Women in Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the martial relationship. Whether these encounters with a “new” man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters. Many women in this stage haven’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends or at home with their husbands. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin  to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

Stage 3

Women in Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3. It is also common for a woman at this stage to attempts to initiate a separation. Husbands of Stage 3 women will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints the last thing women at Stage 3 want is to spend more time with their husbands. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl”.

Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that martial sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day to day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally making a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

Female Infidelity will not only continue to be extremely common but it will also continue to be on the rise.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

Internet Infidelity

The most frequent signs of Internet Infidelity include excessive time online especially when you are not around, Instant Messengers, email accounts that you do not have access to, closing or shutting down the computer when you approach, positioning the computer so that no one can easily view the monitor. The history and temporary Internet files are deleted after each use. Large amounts of time spent in chat rooms and instant messengers.

The most significant sign you can have is a GUT feeling about what your spouse is doing online. You can take an average person who is committed to his or her family and find them readily sucked into the allure of the Internet. It is a powerful and hypnotic escape from the reality of bill paying and responsibilities.

If you are experiencing the gut feeling about  your spouse or mate, the most important thing you can do at this time is to keep your suspicions to yourself. Do not say anything to them to alert them of your suspicion. This will only cause them to become more secretive about what it is they do online or in real life.

The bottom line of checking into your spouse’s activities is that you may find the one thing you thought you could never survive infidelity and pornography. You have to be prepared to deal with what you find emotionally or you will tip your hand before you have all the information ou need to confront your spouse.

Start a journal or log of events including dates and times. When someone becomes addicted or compulsive about a behavior, they tend to lie extensively to cover up their shame. They may try to convince you that you are crazy or you do not know what you are talking about.

The difference between knowing or not knowing may save your family or your life. Pornography addiction has been proven to cause people to engage in high risk activities that may expose them to diseases such as AIDS.

Cheating on the Internet implies getting in contact with another person or persons through different methods. The initial contact will be usually made by chat or email, which immediately will evolve into a chat conversation. Once in communication through one of the hundreds of chat software programs available any kind of information can be exchanged between the tow persons like text, images, sounds and even live video.

The places where people can meet on the Internet are thousands and they can be classified into the following categories:

Chat rooms, friend networks, direct contact through chat profiles, sites to match couples.

When people start getting acquainted with the other people through those chat conversations they will start to share their problems, likes and dislikes, getting an enormous amount of sympathy from the other person. This person is the ideal receptor letting us to say whatever we want without questioning it and usually agrees with our point of view. That sympathy will turn into affection afterwards and if the relationship for sometime, sooner or later one of the persons will ask the other to meet somewhere to know each other.

It is important to understand that not everyone who chats or even meets in real life are cheaters. The Internet is a great resource and we all are responsible on how we use it.

There are several ways to catch her if your spouse is having a cyber-affair. he most sure-fire way is to directly monitor their computer.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!

 Article Source: http://www.topicnow.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=C_Caldwell

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU’VE LEARNED YOUR SPOUSE IS UNFAITHFUL

You have just realized your spouse other has been unfaithful and cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks.

You have hope that your relationship can survive your spouse cheating on you, however you feel ill to your stomach whenever you think about the affair. Here are some tips to get beyond the hurt, learn how to forgive and save your marriage.

Don’t make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just     because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised.

Feelings are neither wrong or right, accept that your feelings, of uncertainty, shock, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

Take care of yourself, you may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or you may binge eat.

Balance is the key to getting through this. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, stay on a schedule, sleep your regular hours, exercise each day and try to have some fun.

It’s okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies/TV shows. Spend time with people who make you smile and laugh. Remember life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

Tears are healthy too, if you cant cry naturally put on some sad music or watch a sad movie.

Begin a journal, start writing all your thoughts down about your spouse’s unfaithfulness.

Ask all the questions you want. Talk to your spouse about the infidelity, ask questions.

Seek counseling, don’t go through this alone.

Take it one day at a time, don’t rush,

If children are involved they need to know you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through trauma, be honest, but don’t weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you.

Try not to get in the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity, it’s a waist of energy.

Get practical, start looking at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you decide to end your marriage make sure you have thought out where you will live, do you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc…

There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. You may never truly know why it happened.

Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier, such as was it a one night stand or an affair?, A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation.

Remember your marriage has changed, it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family. Family members can often hold grudges.

Willingness to forgive, this takes time, but if you and your spouse want your marriage to work, it can it just takes time.

If you have any questions or would like further information regarding this blog please or just need some advise and or services feel free to contact us.

We can help!!!!!